Okay okay

So, I’m getting a lot of questions these days about how I feel. And I’m sort of wondering how I answer that. You see, physically I feel somewhat better in some areas and somewhat worse in others. I don’t feel like I need to call 911 because I can’t breathe anymore, so that is a definite improvement. On the other hand, I have all these crazy aches and pains and sometimes I’m so achy I can’t even sit but need to go lie down.

As far as mentally, MM just told me my mission for today, if I choose to accept it, is to remain positive. And I accept the mission, I just hope I can fulfill it. The biggest thing that gets me down is having LD ask to play with me and just not feeling up to it. Then I start a nice downhill slope of self-pity from there.

Spiritually, I know that God is in control and I know that He loves me. So how can I not be okay spiritually? There’s a great song out that sort of encompasses what I feel spiritually. I know that this illness is bringing me closer to God and producing in me character that can only be produced through trials, and that brings me hope. And at the same time I wish I didn’t have to walk through it, that I could be well and healed already.

And then there is a nagging question on my mind. When you don’t feel okay, why do you say you do? I’ve known couples who lived as if everything was fine (“we’re fine, how are you?”) and then out of the blue (or at least so it seems) get a divorce. So all those times of people asking how are you received lies in return. And why? Maybe if we’d tell the truth we could actually get help or healing.

So how am I feeling? I’m okay. And I’m hurting, physically and mentally and spiritually. And my marriage is feeling strain it’s never had to feel before. And I’m feeling the joy of friendship as it reaches out to us as I’ve never felt it before. And I’m feeling loved and prayed for and cared for. And I know God is going to bring us through this stronger than ever. So, yeah. I guess okay covers it.

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